I just celebrated my 36th Birthday a week ago. Throughout my life I have learn many lessons, some voluntary...some involuntary. Those of you that know me personally, know that most times I can be honest to a fault. I speak my truth the way I see it and I don't really care how it’s received most times. I’m honest and verbal about my feelings toward people and situations. Often I say things and never think twice about it...once it’s spoken I forget about it. But for some reason that didn't work today. I had a conversation with my parents that kept playing in my mind and as I evaluated our conversation and my responses it dawned on me “What the Hell am I doing to myself?!?!?!” I realized the extent of the amount of resentment I held inside of me...knowingly and I was appalled. See, I was aware and chose to hold on to the resentment and all the pain of my past. In some sad way I felt it was justified and needed to make me strong. Then I started thinking:
How does holding on to the pain really help my life?
Is the anger causing me to miss a blessing?
Is my need for justification in this life greater than my need of God’s Mercy?
How do I benefit from being unforgiving?
After all of these unanswered questions, many tears and lots of prayers I decided to go to church. I did NOT leave the same way I walked in... I visited a church today called Victorious Life and that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now! Every question I had was answered and confirmation was given.
The anger, resentment and unforgiveness WAS holding me back because my heart wasn’t fully clean. I had specks of dirt that may have started off as dust that I allowed to continuously build up and form something deep rooted in my soul. I learned at church today that if you don’t put an end to evil things when you see them forming you give them the power to multiply and strengthen. But what the devil didn’t count on is I also learned how to open myself up and give it all to Jesus. I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me for my wrongdoings, my mistakes and my bad thoughts. I also prayed FOR people who have done me wrong by name...TAKE NOTE I SAID PRAYED FOR NOT ON! There’s a big difference. I prayed that they be Blessed, Happy and Prosperous...something I NEVER thought I would pray for someone that I feel caused me so much pain. But guess what...I walked out of church feeling so light I think I was floating!
You see, the last month has been spent praying more than usual seeking answers, peace and resolution, but I kept coming up empty or so I thought. While I was busy being discouraged, God was working behind the scenes making sure that when he answered my prayers I would hear him loud and clear!
Today my voices are speaking words of Thankfulness. My words and thoughts are free from regret, anger and hatred. I have handed it all to God and together we will uproot the negativity I allowed to be planted within me. I can now look forward to my life and enjoy the many blessings that God wants to bestow upon me that I was blocking with my stubbornness.
2 Corinthians 10:3-4 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds
Until Next Time...
Beautiful...a great writer once told me he/she couldn't write when they were happy, only when they're sad! I totally disagreed, I said I think your best writing comes from a place of happiness. It only seem that way because more people support pain and hurt more than happiness. I always knew that through happiness, things become clearer. The small stuff doesn't matter, and through happiness you see things from a giraffe's view...forgiving those that have hurt you, because through happiness you realize that forgiveness is for self. Happiness takes a great writer to being an awesome writer...GOD is so faithful.
ReplyDeleteEmptying ourselves to God and trusting Him to fix us is really hard sometimes, but it is always rewarding! You went through that period so you can be prepared for this phase of your life! There is a purpose in the pain. Glad you found yours! Good to have you back, hun!
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