What the Hell Am I Doing To Myself?!?!

I just celebrated my 36th Birthday a week ago.  Throughout my life I have learn many lessons, some voluntary...some involuntary. Those of you that know me personally, know that most times I can be honest to a fault.  I speak my truth the way I see it and I don't really care how it’s received most times.  I’m honest and verbal about my feelings toward people and situations. Often I say things and never think twice about it...once it’s spoken I forget about it.  But for some reason that didn't work today.  I had a conversation with my parents that kept playing in my mind and as I evaluated our conversation and my responses it dawned on me “What the Hell am I doing to myself?!?!?!”  I realized the extent of the amount of resentment I held inside of me...knowingly and I was appalled. See, I was aware and chose to hold on to the resentment and all the pain of my past. In some sad way I felt it was justified and needed to make me strong. Then I started thinking:

How does holding on to the pain really help my life?
Is the anger causing me to miss a blessing?
Is my need for justification in this life greater than my need of God’s Mercy?
How do I benefit from being unforgiving?
After all of these unanswered questions, many tears and lots of prayers I decided to go to church.  I did NOT leave the same way I walked in... I visited a church today called Victorious Life and that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now!  Every question I had was answered and confirmation was given.

The anger, resentment and unforgiveness WAS holding me back because my heart wasn’t fully clean. I had specks of dirt that may have started off as dust that I allowed to continuously build up and form something deep rooted in my soul. I learned at church today that if you don’t put an end to evil things when you see them forming you give them the power to multiply and strengthen. But what the devil didn’t count on is I also learned how to open myself up and give it all to Jesus. I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me for my wrongdoings, my mistakes and my bad thoughts.  I also prayed FOR people who have done me wrong by name...TAKE NOTE I SAID PRAYED FOR NOT ON! There’s a big difference. I prayed that they be Blessed, Happy and Prosperous...something I NEVER thought I would pray for someone that I feel caused me so much pain.  But guess what...I walked out of church feeling so light I think I was floating!

You see, the last month has been spent praying more than usual seeking answers, peace and resolution, but I kept coming up empty or so I thought. While I was busy being discouraged, God was working behind the scenes making sure that when he answered my prayers I would hear him loud and clear!

Today my voices are speaking words of Thankfulness. My words and thoughts are free from regret, anger and hatred. I have handed it all to God and together we will uproot the negativity I allowed to be planted within me. I can now look forward to my life and enjoy the many blessings that God wants to bestow upon me that I was blocking with my stubbornness.


2 Corinthians 10:3-4  For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds

Until Next Time...  

Forgiveness

At work I like to use at least one of my breaks to walk briskly.  Today my friend and I were walking and talking as we normally do, but today I started sharing some things with her that I hadn’t talked about in a long time and it inspired me to write.

A few years ago my mom would always tell me “Tasha, you’re blocking your blessings by holding on to anger, resentment and pain.  You have to figure out a way to forgive or you’ll never be able to truly move on.” I remember this conversation as if it were yesterday.  I would just brush her off and say: “I know Ma, but I’m not ready yet.” I felt as if I needed the pain and anger to fuel me to keep going. It was as if the bitterness I had in my heart for those that I feel wronged me, kept me strong, determined and on the right path.  As time went on I did just that… I used all Ill will towardsme as fuel to overcome adversity, and depression.

One day I was headed to church having a talk with God (which is normal for me) my intentions were to pray a prayer for me to move on and open a new chapter of my life.  And out of no where, I began saying that I was ready to forgive everyone that hurt me and ready to move on with my life.  I can remember saying  “Lord, I’m tired of being angry, I want to let it all go and stop allowing my past to bring me to tears or rage at the mere thought of it.”  By this point I was in tears and literally crying my eyes out… but not from sadness, it was from relief.  It was like a weight was lifted immediately!  As soon as I spoke those words of forgiveness, the plan for my life changed.

So Today, My Voices are Remembering…Forgiveness is the Key that Unlocks the Door of Unimaginable Blessings!!

If you need the anger to fuel you, Fine…but once the fuel diminishes do not fill up again!  Release it and move on with love, understanding and wisdom!

…Until Next Time