My Internal Battle

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew the right spirit in me."

　

Is a scripture from Psalms that comes to mind when I think about my life, how far I’ve come and where I’m headed.　Personally, this scripture signifies a cry for help for cleansing of the heart/mind… meaning to be purged of all evil thoughts, wrongdoings and past bad experiences. Renewing a right spirit means to gain a less judgmental, more positive personal outlook on life.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself in a battle against my natural being and my spiritual being.　When I say my natural being I’m referring to the person I’ve become as a result of the obstacles I have faced in life.　When I reference my spiritual being I’m referring to the person that I can be if I allow God to have dominion over my life.

"In order to fulfill your God ordained journey in life, you must release the familiar and enter the unfamiliar. You must leap out on faith and believe that he is real and he will see you through"

When I heard this I instantly thought of the feelings that I have been harboring internally.　The internal struggle of my natural being fighting to remain the strong, independent outspoken person I have become; and my spiritual being announcing it’s desire to leap out on faith and begin the journey that will lead to the divine destiny that God has ordained for me.

I texted 2 of my close friends and I expressed my internal struggle by sending　"God is really trying to prepare me for the next stage of my life and I keep fighting back because I’m scared." Their understanding of what I meant by next level was refreshing and allowed me to know that I was in the midst of people who shared my knowledge of the word and God’s calling on people’s lives.　Their assurance that I was not the only one that has dealt with this type of internal battle with natural versus spiritual was more than I could have hope for. Their responses were:

The next stage is "a scary thing, because we like to know in detail the entire process & God wants us to trust Him.　Sometimes the next level seems so big but God is bigger! God has a better plan for us than we can ever have for ourselves.　God’s plan for you will not involve losing yourself but it will involve finding yourself. Finding the you that he designed you to be" said Jovan. She expressed her views with such conviction that it was if her words found a way to entire not only into my mind but also into my heart.　I felt every word that she sent to me.

　

"Faith is believing with out seeing, trusting and knowing he won’t lead us down the wrong path…fear is natural" said Laurey. She probably didn’t realize it at the time, but that was exactly what I needed to hear.　The breakdown of faith is what I lost sight of.

　

Their words of encouragement were exactly what I needed. I now know that it is time for me to begin the journey to my divine destiny.　I feel that once I completely removed the anger, pain and disappointment from my heart and mind I will be able to easily live my life without this inward battle.　When I truly release the demons and disappointments of my past, I will be able to live "spiritually strong, knowledgably blessed and submissively loved" and all of these thing will be directed by God, which will alleviate my battle and bring me to a different level of awareness.